Category Archives: Headspace

On getting older

Older.

You know, most people I know fight tooth & nail to avoid the march of time. Either makeup or exercise or just plain old denial that it does happen. If it makes them happy, so be it.

I’m good with it, truthfully. I know – “no ones like to think about getting older – means you’re closer to dying” – that’s the usual response.

Thing is there are lots of times in my life that, according to the MDs involved, I shouldn’t be alive any more. Hell, I shouldn’t be all that functional any more – there’s been a lot of random damage to me that should leave me less capable.

I look at it like this – I’m not even half way to the age span of some of my relatives. At the same time, I’m less than 15 years from my father’s death-age. Why should the process of getting older bother me? Other option isn’t exactly fantastic (though after that, I suspect I’ll care even less).

Spend time with those whose age is greater than yours. Find time to spend with those younger than you. Stop paying attention to the ages and start paying attention to the people as people. The awesome ones will help you love your life because they enrich it. Love your life and age becomes entirely irrelevant.

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Maybe I should stop

Trying but failing. I don’t know how to explain to you how much this hurts or how much I hate that you don’t seem to care.

I hate feeling like this. I loathe the way it makes me want to behave. I’m trying to be responsible for my own stuff but it is hard when I hit that wall over & over.

Maybe it’s time to acknowledge defeat & choose a next step. After all, change may scare me but the self-loathing for letting this happen is worse.

What are you? Stupid?

The next time you’re going to push yourself like this, perhaps having a plan on how you’re going to deal with the rest of your day might be in order, you mindless twit?

Yes, yes, you’re very strong and we’re all terribly impressed with your single-minded idiocy that leaves you weak as a kitten and whimpering in a corner because you don’t have the brains god gave a tuna fish who’d know “hey, this is becoming a bad idea – why don’t you call (or whatever it is that fish do) for help?”

Stop whining, take some pain pills, get some rest and try to pretend that you won’t do this to yourself again or that at least I won’t have to listen to you whinge that you’re in pain again from something you knew bloody well was going to hurt.

Augh.  Idjit.

Smiles

Smiles are worth it. The joy glowing from the core of the soul that ignites an answering grin of delight.

Thank you for sharing that smile.

Don’t I wish

No, really, I wish there was an easier way.  I wish there was a way I could explain to you what I think & feel that didn’t inevitably wind up with one or both of us grumpy or confused.

I know you don’t always know that state winds up being achieved, but then again, I’m incredibly good at masking my feelings (quiet all you who think I wear my heart on my sleeve – trust me, y’all don’t see everything).  Plus I’m not always positive you’d appreciate hearing me say again that I feel like you don’t understand what I’m saying.

Especially when we do it in writing.  Hell, part of this blog exercise is to teach me to be able to put words on “paper” that allows me to organize them enough that I have a chance of being understood.

[reads the above]

Okay – so that won’t be today.

Don’t get me wrong.  I still think you’re awesome.  I wouldn’t have invested the time I have in you if I didn’t. I just wish there was an easier way to let what’s in my head out without all the rest of the nonsense getting in the way.

I’m sorry

I know I’m not the kind of person you feel comfortable with. I wish I understood why, but I don’t.

Truly sad part is, the longer I must be someone other than me to get your affection, the less I want it.

You know you’re awesome… right?

You’re smart.  You’re funny. You make me feel good just by smiling at me.  If I only get to see you for 5 minutes every so often because our lives are so damned busy, I’m still a better and happier person for it because you are so awesome.

You know that, right?  That I adore you and you are so incredibly worthwhile, even if I never get a benefit from knowing you again?  That you simply being and living in the world I’m in is enough?  That I get to call you a friend and love you for being you is the icing on the cake.

Yes, there are times that you drive me crazy.  Usually, it has something to do with you not believing in your own awesomeness.  It pains me to watch you when you can’t see what a fabulous person you are as clearly as I can.

I know – my problem to deal with.  As long as I get to keep you in my life, I suppose there are worse things that periodically having to remind you that you are amazing.

You are, you know.  You’re awesome.