Trying but failing. I don’t know how to explain to you how much this hurts or how much I hate that you don’t seem to care.
I hate feeling like this. I loathe the way it makes me want to behave. I’m trying to be responsible for my own stuff but it is hard when I hit that wall over & over.
Maybe it’s time to acknowledge defeat & choose a next step. After all, change may scare me but the self-loathing for letting this happen is worse.
Smiles are worth it. The joy glowing from the core of the soul that ignites an answering grin of delight.
Thank you for sharing that smile.
Posted in Headspace
No, really, I wish there was an easier way. I wish there was a way I could explain to you what I think & feel that didn’t inevitably wind up with one or both of us grumpy or confused.
I know you don’t always know that state winds up being achieved, but then again, I’m incredibly good at masking my feelings (quiet all you who think I wear my heart on my sleeve – trust me, y’all don’t see everything). Plus I’m not always positive you’d appreciate hearing me say again that I feel like you don’t understand what I’m saying.
Especially when we do it in writing. Hell, part of this blog exercise is to teach me to be able to put words on “paper” that allows me to organize them enough that I have a chance of being understood.
[reads the above]
Okay – so that won’t be today.
Don’t get me wrong. I still think you’re awesome. I wouldn’t have invested the time I have in you if I didn’t. I just wish there was an easier way to let what’s in my head out without all the rest of the nonsense getting in the way.
You asked me what scares me, because you seemed to think that nothing did.
Good gravy, I’m sorry that I’ve given that impression. I’m scared of just about everything – there are fewer bigger scaredy cats than me.
I’m scared of falling – to the point where I’ve sat on a bench and sobbed instead of just falling over onto the 3′ of foam cushions & the waiting arms of a friend.
Scared of failing – pretty much take any definition of fail and I’m afraid of it – disappointing people, not doing the job as well as I should, afraid of not being successful even when I know I learn the greatest lessons in failure.
Scared of people, which is the one that makes me laugh the hardest – I’m terrified of letting people know what I really feel and what I really think. I spent the first 20 years of my life constantly the new kid and ostracized and periodically beaten for being “the new kid”.
The reason I work so hard to overcome my fears is that I have to live and living inside the walls of my fears would rapidly change my life from a life to bubble wrap – supposedly fun & cool & safe, but very quickly extremely unengaging.
I’m scared of not leaving any lasting impression on the world. Ultimately, though, I’m not the one who’ll decide if people remember me or what I did, because by the time that’s relevant, I’ll be gone. So – I try to deal with my fear. Sometimes I overcompensate in enormous ways and I wind up convincing people I care about that nothing frightens me.
Nothing could be farther from the truth. After all – people I care about? They are the ones I fear the most, cause they can cut my heart out with a single word.
I know I’m not the kind of person you feel comfortable with. I wish I understood why, but I don’t.
Truly sad part is, the longer I must be someone other than me to get your affection, the less I want it.
Posted in Headspace
You’re smart. You’re funny. You make me feel good just by smiling at me. If I only get to see you for 5 minutes every so often because our lives are so damned busy, I’m still a better and happier person for it because you are so awesome.
You know that, right? That I adore you and you are so incredibly worthwhile, even if I never get a benefit from knowing you again? That you simply being and living in the world I’m in is enough? That I get to call you a friend and love you for being you is the icing on the cake.
Yes, there are times that you drive me crazy. Usually, it has something to do with you not believing in your own awesomeness. It pains me to watch you when you can’t see what a fabulous person you are as clearly as I can.
I know – my problem to deal with. As long as I get to keep you in my life, I suppose there are worse things that periodically having to remind you that you are amazing.
You are, you know. You’re awesome.
Posted in Headspace